A Romantic Tale With Gratuitous Class Angst
by Arvidius
Summary: <html><head></head>What do bacon, royalty, adventuring, and the feelings of a princess and a hero have to do with one another? Well, probably nothing, but read the story just to make sure. Oneshot. LinkxZelda. Read, review, and enjoy. Rated T for language and stupidity.</html>


**The Completely Useless Legal Disclaimer: I waive the right to collect imaginary fanfiction moneys because the characters are not mine. The characters are owned by Nintendo, interestingly enough. **

**The Legend of Zelda  
>A Romantic Tale With Gratuitous Class Angst<strong>

"Your Majesty, we have faithfully served you and your forebears for centuries, and under our combined leadership, the Kingdom of Hyrule has experienced unparalleled prosperity. Does your Majesty truly wish to abandon centuries of tradition and prosperity so hastily?"

The elegantly clothed lord made an impressive show as his crisp and nasally voice rebounded and echoed across the cavernous void that was the Royal Throne Room of Hyrule. Unfortunately, as the Royal Herald Sir Lawrence noted, he did not sound very impressive to the intended audience.

Stirring slightly in her throne, Queen Zelda Harkinian I of Hyrule clasped two gloved fingers across the bridge of her nose as she attempted to, once again, offset another migraine. She opened her mouth to speak in a tone Sir Lawrence knew well—the tone of tempestuous serenity, like the sea before a storm.

"Lord Porcinus. While we acknowledge the role that the Bacon Guild has played in making this land rich and fertile, you cannot honestly expect the Crown to simply stand idle as you forcefully take _every pig farm in the kingdom_."

"But your Majesty, as you well know, our dear and departed King—your father—granted the Guild sole control over Bacon production in the entire kingdom. These farms are illegal. And since your Majesty cannot be bothered with policing such trivial matters that are obviously beneath you, we have elected to spare the Crown the expense and flush the ruffians out ourselves."

Even from the other end of the throne room, Sir Lawrence spied Zelda's lips retrenching into a grimace. Her voice rumbled low and menacing. "What I bother myself with, Lord Porcinus, is _none _of your concern."

Sir Lawrence was amused as the tall embroidered man cowed in genuine fear before a young woman who was little more than half his size.

"…Of course, your Majesty."

"Does it not occur to you, Lord Porcinus, that pig farms have purposes other than producing bacon?"

"Why, your Majesty, why on earth would they do anything else with a pig?" Sir Lawrence conceded that Porcinus had a point.

Zelda hunched over in her throne as she buried her face in her hands. Sir Lawrence thought he heard a faint groan.

"Majesty?" Lord Porcinus sniveled.

"Not another word. My decision stands."

"But, your Majesty, really—"

"I said my decision _stands_! Another word and you shall not!"

Lord Porcinus gulped, bowed low and managed a hoarse "Majesty" before pivoting less than elegantly on one heel and slithering out of the throne room.

The strain in Zelda's voice today exceeded the normal strain in the late afternoon after the official business of the Royal Court formally adjourned.

"Sir Lawrence?"

"Yes, your Majesty?"

"Any news of Link?"

Sir Lawrence pressed his lips together to form a frown. "No, your Majesty, we lost contact with him months ago."

"I see." The Queen craned her head toward one of the throne room's windows as she gazed outside towards the sea. Nostalgia, and perhaps more than a little depression seized his queen's youthful features. She seemed to age in front of him as her normally pale skin flushed whiter still.

"Be of good cheer your Majesty, I am sure it's only a matter of time before he returns."

"Oh? Really?" Zelda queried, her somber tone unchanging despite the gallons of optimism Sir Lawrence tried to pour into every word.

"But of course, your Majesty. He'll return if no other reason than…well…um…" Actually, upon second consideration, his attempt to cheer up the queen hadn't been a good idea at all.

"Hey Larry, how's it going mate?" Lawrence craned his head right to spy the signature green clothed and horse manure smell of Link. Coarse and sun scorched fingers flicked a shimmering emerald rupie—Hyrule's currency, into Lawrence's outstretched palms. Lawrence thought he saw Zelda frown disapprovingly as Lawrence greedily stuffed the gem into his pockets, but in the same instant the queen shifted all her attention to the man she suddenly never wanted to see again—except the times when she wanted to be with him forever. Lawrence speculated that somehow that must logically work itself out.

"You have returned?" Zelda's voice was ice.

"Aye. How's it going Zellie?" As Zelda attempted to protest her least favorite of nicknames, Link advanced uncomfortably close to the queen and clasped her sun-kissed hair, holding it to his nose. "You smell good."

"Yes, it's called soap Link." Zelda's voice was unthawed.

Link snapped his fingers. "Ah! I'll have to remember that trick."

"I might ask where you have been for nearly half a year."

"…Half a year. Has it been that long? Really? Well now, time certainly flies when you're having fun."

"_Fun_?" If it was possible for ice to refreeze and exponentially increase in frozenness, that was probably the present temperature of Zelda's voice.

"Aye, and by the way, once you get over the typhoid and dysentery, the tropics t'ain't bad. They got this pub down there that blends ale and coconut milk, an—"

"_LINK!_" Lawrence's ear drums recoiled at the sound.

"Aye, present."

"Do you have any idea how long I've been looking for you."

"Um…" Link proceeded to scratch his head as he began counting fingers. "Well, uh…I'm going to go with a no. Yeah, a no—"

"_Six_ months, _fourteen _days, _eleven_ hours, and…"

"Five minutes?"

"Yes five minutes! Did you not consider your responsibilities here!"

"That's not fair! I put my place up for rent before I left. Even made up the bed I did."

"Link, you're not supposed to rent out your apartments in this castle, and secondly you're a liar! You didn't make up the bed."

Link snapped his fingers again. "Oh that's right. Sorry about that. Want me to make it now?"

"_NO!_"

"Alright, well you can make it."

Zelda's eye seemed to dance wildly in a most uncomfortable eye twitch.

"Did you not even consider that there might be people here who may care about you? Who worry about you?"

"Bloody hell. You're not talking about Malon are you?"

"No."

"Saria?"

"No."

"Midna?"

"No."

"Ilia?"

"No."

"Marin?"

"Who?"

"Um, nobody. Is it…is it Sheik? He did like to go drinking with me after our many virile, manly, head butting contests."

"_NO!_"

"That's a shame. I mean, I know I left him to pay my bar tab, but I didn't think he took it personally…Then who?"

Sir Lawrence was quite sure that he thought he heard Zelda growl. "You know what Link? Why don't you just return to your fun and let the rest of us live in peace and sanity?" Zelda turned her head dismissively towards the throne room's windows. Sir Lawrence instantly saw regret course through her features.

Link scratched his head in genuine puzzlement. "I can't do that."

Zelda snorted derisively. "And why not?"

"Well, I did come back to see you after all."

"Well you did. And since you've accomplished your quest, oh great hero, you may return back whence you came in triumph."

Link was painfully unaware of Zelda's biting sarcasm. "Well, I could but that would miss the point a bit. You see, I missed you."

Zelda made a humorless smile. "_Missed _me? Link—the Hero of Time—a man I trusted to help safeguard this kingdom, who then leaves without a trace-without so much as a word of notice, now expects me to believe that he finally returns because he 'misses me.'"

Several heartbeats of silence felt like an eternity in the now motionless throne room. Link's blue irises darted to and fro in silent calculation.

"Aye, I'd say that's about right."

Zelda sat up from her throne with her throne with a start and absently twiddled her fingers—a nervous habit since her childhood. Her violet eyes starred at Link for an intense second before, abruptly, she clasped Link into her arms.

"I thought I'd lost you…" She whispered into his ear, all the anger, resentment, and carefully contained pain gave way to the relief that at long last he had returned. She clung to him fiercely for several moments—as evidence by the green clad hero's increasingly labored breathing.

Zelda ended the embrace as abruptly as she began it by striking Link on his shoulders in a sudden surge of resentment. "But Goddesses, why did you leave? I would have thought that after all that had happened…after all that we'd been through…that you'd want to stay here."

Link scratched his head. "Why would I want to do that?"

Sir Lawrence thought he saw Zelda's jaw drop slightly. "Surely you can't be serious."

Link shrugged. "Years ago you asked me to do pretty simple stuff. It was all 'Link go kill Ganondorf.' 'Link go kill Vaati.' 'Link go save some unpronounceable land from genocide.' 'Link go save the space time continuum with an ocarina.' You know? Easy stuff. And stuff that was pretty fun I'll add. But then it became 'Link go sit there while I write this letter.' 'Link clean your room.' 'Link take me to some ball.' 'Link, does this dress make me look heifer-like?' 'Link, come with me to meet the Lords of the Yarn Guild, Juggling Guild, or Sausage Guild—'"

"—Bacon Guild."

"Aye, whatever. A man with a sack of anything besides potatoes between his legs can only bear so much of that. Besides, you weren't exactly happy yourself. So I left. Stopped some more genocides; killed some more people; saved the space time continuum a bit more. You know? The usual."

"You could have said something—"

"Aye? And what would you have done?"

"I would have listened for a start."

"Oh, and then? Would anything really have changed? Truly? I don't think it would have."

"That's not fair. You don't know what would have happened."

"Fair? No. True? Probably so. I think you know it too."

"I see. So this is the classic 'hero's wanderlust and sense of adventure is constrained by the petty needs of royalty' tale."

"That's bullocks and stupid, and you're not listening to what I am saying at all. Adventuring's pretty nice, but I'd much rather kick back and sit on my arse as opposed to being maimed by monstrous creatures all day. I left because I wasn't happy here and furthermore I wasn't doing much of anything that had any worth. Besides, you never liked my answers when you asked if dresses made you look fat."

Zelda's pale features flushed red, probably more from embarrassment than anger. After her pale hue returned, she sighed at looked at Link's frustratingly nonchalant features. "What now?"

Link furrowed his brow in something that, for him at least, approximated thought. "Ah!" Link clapped his hands in resolution. "Let's go on a trip. I know, I'll take you to Skyloft. The whole cannon thing's a tad uncomfortable, but you get used to the powder burns after a few times."

Zelda's expression coalesced into a mural of whimsy and longing as she listened, almost hypnotized by notions of abandoning responsibilities and Bacon Guilds to see distant lands with the greatest friend she'd ever had. And just as quickly she seemed to regain consciousness.

"Link…I can't. Look around you. We're not children anymore. I'm a Queen, I can't just leave my job and responsibilities."

"Why? I do it all the time."

"Link, you never _had_ a job."

"Which is why it's so easy to leave…come on Zel, let the world save itself for a day or two."

"You think this is all fun and games? That I can exist as you do—carefree and without responsibilities?"

"Answering question one, yes, and answering question two yes. What's stopping you anyway?"

Zelda gestured with a gloved arm to her throne in somber disgust.

"Aye? That's a bastardly chair that."

"Damn it all Link, not my throne. The crown."

"Well that's a bastardly hat then."

"No, Link. I can't leave the castle for joyriding. The people here—they need me."

"Why?"

"Link, what do you know about war, tax policy, legal codes, religion, philosophy, politics, science, urban planning, art, history, or architecture?"

"Um, sorry you lost me at taxidermy…say again?"

Zelda scoffed and shook her head. "See, ruling a kingdom is the most mentally taxing exercise ever devised. I've prepared my whole life for this moment, and still I never have enough energy..." Her gaze briefly locked with Link's. "…Or time for things I cherish."

If Zelda was expecting Link to wax in philosophical melancholy about the irony of the ruler being ruled by royal obligations, she was to have none of it. "Daft that. You should quit."

"Link…" Zelda began in a frustrated tone, as if lecturing to an errant child. "I cannot leave. Generations of Harkinians did not sit on this throne just to have one of their unworthy descendents abdicate simply because she could not restrain the love that she felt…" Zelda's countenance softened, and suddenly Sir Lawrence could see the thoughtful, sensitive child she was all those years ago.

"Love…?"

"Yes…"

Link's smile terminated as he visibly ground his teeth together. "Sheik, you cold bastard."

"What!"

"You think I didn't notice? After all these years, every time I'd mention your name he'd get all quiet and mopey. And that's weird for Sheik—you know how he is—never shuts his gab."

"Link—"

"I should have known. It all makes bloody sense now."

"_Link_—"

"Couldn't you have at least picked a meatier lad for yourself? Kind of frail that Sheik…"

"_Link_!"

"But you can't get with him. You know how weird it would be to have red and purple eyed children? They'd have to go to the ugly people school."

"_LINK!_"

Link froze somewhat abruptly. "Um…yes?"

"First, remind me someday to have a long talk with you about Sheik."

"Aye."

"Secondly, are you really so oblivious that you don't know how I feel?"

"Aye, of course I know how you feel. Damned cranky and ornery. That's my Zel!"

Zelda sighed—a sigh bastardized by both exasperation and creeping anxiety. "Link, I don't love Sheik."

"I'm glad you see my point—the lad's too bloody scrawny and—"

"I love you…" Silence physically held the throne room in its grip as Link's expression blossomed into utter bewilderment.

"You know what Zel, I think all those blows to head have got the better of my hearing, um…what did you say?"

Zelda's placid expression suddenly contorted into a fierce and wild abandon. "Oh dammit Link, are you really this dense! I bloody love you! I didn't want to. You're physically incapable of doing anything remotely civilized or practical. You're unbalanced, childish, and completely ignorant, but dammit I love you."

"Is this on account of the whole saving you bit?" Link asked a bit sheepishly.

Zelda defiantly planted her hands on her hips. "Do you really want to argue about who has saved the other more?"

Link scoffed dismissively. "You haven't saved me _that_ many times. Sheik on the other hand…" Zelda's eye twitching to and fro might have had something to do with Link pausing in midsentence. "Is this whole infatuation thing because I've been working out more?"

"Link I've loved you since we were children." She abruptly turned away. "It just kind of happened. Maybe it was because I saw in you a metaphor for the resilience of life. Maybe it was because of the bond we share through the Triforce. Perhaps it was even just youthful infatuation. But the older I get, the more I think all of those explanations are just silly. I think I love you for you just being you—as infuriating as you are." Zelda turned back toward Link, her arms crossed tightly across her chest—her head suddenly finding the floor interesting. "So there you have it. Go ahead. Laugh."

"Well, um…speaking all metaphorifically—"

"Meta_phorically_."

"Aye that. So metaphoristically, let's pretend I feel the same way. What would you say then?"

Zelda snorted as her lips dipped into a frown. "I would submit to you, _metaphoristically_ of course, that you are a pathological liar."

Link shrugged and took steps toward the Princess. "I guess I'll have to be a pedagogical liar, Zel, because I love you too."

Zelda vainly blinked back the moisture forming at the corner of her eyes. "Really?"

Link took Zelda's gloved hand in response and rubbed coarse, scarred fingers over smooth silk. "I missed you."

Zelda removed her right glove and ran bare fingers across Link's cheek. "Stay here, please." Zelda's eyes were pregnant with desperation.

Link's lips curled back into a toothy grin. "I tried to stay away for as long as I could; didn't do a very good job. Twasn't the same without you berating me."

Zelda straightened herself and attempted to regain her regal composure once more. "Look, it won't be easy, but one day, with you as the royal consort I think we—"

"Now just a bloody minute—who said anything about being royal consul—"

"_Consort_." Zelda corrected.

"Aye that. It sounds rather posh…so I don't like it." Link paced unsteadily around in a circle, as if the mental confusion that was surely plaguing his brain was also plaguing his body.

"What would you have me do then? You want to live in some sort of sinful union as my companion in the castle? That will not go over well." Zelda sighed, frustration permeating every word.

"Aye you're right." Link halted in his circuitous stride and snapped his fingers. "Got it. How about you abdominate?"

"Abdicate?"

"Aye, that's what I love about you Zel—you know words."

"I can't do that, Link." Zelda groaned slightly. "We've been through this—several times in fact."

Link arched an eyebrow. "Why, because you think you can tell people what to do better than they can?"

Zelda craned her head low as her stare bore into Link's. "Yes."

Link starred at her for a tense handful of moments. "Fine. We'll figure it out later. But I'm not giving up until I can evict you from this loony bin. After all, with you being Queen you can simply throw me in the dungeon or cut off my head when we're married."

Zelda nodded in approval. "Hmm… I never thought of that idea, thanks." Zelda turned and began walking toward the oaken throne room doors, sliding an arm through Link's as she did so. "So, what now? Do we ride off into the sunset? Do we sit and watch the moon rise over Lake Hylia."

Link abruptly stopped and turned towards his love. He held her gaze as his fingers began caressing her cheeks. "Nah. Let's get a pint a Talon's. I'm as dry as a Goron in the Desert I am. Haven't had a drink since…an hour ago."

Zelda smirked. "Very well." And so the couple continued toward the throne room doors.

"But Link..." Zelda's face suddenly clouded in doubt. "There is one problem."

Link raised a golden eyebrow suspiciously. "Aye?"

"I'm afraid that I'm also betrothed to an evil snobbish lord that may or may not be secretly aligned with the Dark Lord Ganondorf. We also have to find a solution for our differences in social class; for I am a Queen and you are a commoner. Others will not understand, alas!"

"Zel, you made me proud." Link was positively beaming.

"Oh?"

"Aye, you finally got a sense of humor."

Zelda, for the first time in quite a while, crooked her mouth into a genuine smile. "I'd thought you enjoy the old 'our social caste must keep us eternally separated' joke…" A chuckle punctuated her smile: "That would be silly, I am Queen after all."

As they exited the throne room, Sir Lawrence interjected himself between the couple and the doors. "Your Majesty, Lord Porcinus urgently requests to see you again."

Zelda shrugged. "Ask him to reschedule, or cut off his head…or something."

Sir Lawrence mumbled an obligatory "Yes your Majesty" as they filed out of the throne room, and into the world that awaited them.

However, Sir Lawrence thought he could hear Link say in parting: "Hey, Zel, let's find Sheik and tell him the good news."

And legend has it that the groans of Zelda echo across Hyrule to this day.

**Author's Note: I'm not particularly pleased with this story since in the process of writing it I deviated significantly from my original plans. I wanted to write a story about Link coming back to Zelda after many years apart. Zelda, still romantically attached to him, wants him to marry and settle down. Link, in her absence, had become a libertarian and would argue viciously with her about her being Queen. That's the direction I took the story, but Link turned out to be too silly to have a real interest in politics. So the soul of the story was effectively gutted. I also do not think I fulfilled my second objective—to make gentle fun of the innumerable "Alas I am a Queen and you are a commoner" fictions.**

**This is my first experimentation with short stores, as it is taxing to write stories like _His Fist_ or _Da Capo Al Fine_ which tend to be planned out methodically and painstakingly in advance. I still need to get back to those at some point. While we're on that subject, read those if you like as I am not above using a oneshot as a shameless plug for my other work. Anyhow, read and review.**


End file.
